Friday 12 November 2010

Another year

12th November
Dear Susan
Thank you so much for your long letter. It was lovely to hear from you and to know how your new life across the ocean has been developing. I did, indeed, tell Edith that she might send you copies of my letters as it was much easier (albeit a little lazy of me) for you to read those than for me to try and remember everything that might be relevant from the last three years. I have written less in the summer because I have been able to visit her more and I had hoped she would be well enough to come to stay with me in December but it is not now to be. I shall be writing to her regularly again over the next months as I will be doing quite a lot which I think she will like to read about.
I had forgotten that I did not quite finish the story of my Christmas last year. Until that autumn I had not felt able to socialise much. People were very kind when Frederick died but I needed to have time to myself to come to terms with everything and being surrounded by people simply stopped me getting through that process. Rosamund seemed to understand more than most and so when she asked if I would like to spend Christmas with them it was on the promise that she would not mind and would quite forgive me if I cried off at the last minute.
As it was, it was just what I needed and over those two weeks I felt that I was really out of the woods and ready to move on. I re-read my letters when I visited Edith in September, partly so I would know what she would be passing on to you, but partly to remind myself of the feelings that had gone through my mind at the time. I did feel that I was being very silly and that I would have to make sure that I did not make a fool of myself over Paul and so I was really quite alarmed when, the day after I wrote that last letter, he suggested that I stay on another day and take advantage of a lift back to London with him in his car. If the train journey had not been so arduous I think I might have made an excuse but the thought of travelling speedily in comfort and right to my door outweighed my worries about letting myself down.
As it was, he politely asked if I would mind if we didn't talk as he preferred to concentrate on his driving and time was going to be a bit tight because the meeting he was going to had been brought forward by an hour. That would usually be uncomfortable but it seemed quite natural and in fact I did drop off to sleep for a while. When we got to my building he made sure that the porter was there to take in the cases and then very quickly kissed me on the cheek and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. Of course, I said yes.
All afternoon I kept telling myself to stay cool. I tried on at least 4 different dresses and decided on something that I hadn't taken to Rosamund's as I had felt it was a bit too dressy. For an evening in London it seemed just right. Paul was very complimentary about it. He was a little awkward once we had sat down at our table then quite suddenly he started to tell me about his feelings for me - feelings that went back quite some time and which had grown over the time we had been at Rosamund's. He had been aware of my apparent coolness after the New Year party and I explained why that had been and it really was quite wonderful.
We spent a lot of time together when his work would allow but in June he had to go away for six weeks and when he came back we both agreed that the space had been good for us. We were both conscious of the possibility that I was still not fully recovered from my bereavement and it seemed to me that it really worried him that I was making a mistake. I'm not sure how things stand between us now. I'm not sure if he thinks he is the one who has made a mistake.
We are both going to Rosamund again for Christmas and will travel together. He will be staying at his cottage of course. We agreed that as far as anyone else is concerned we have simply dined together a few times and attended a few functions as company for one another and nothing more.
You will have to forgive me for the rather wordy letters I shall send to Edith. She asked me for lots of description of the food and clothes and rooms and people and so on as then, she says, it will be like spending Christmas there herself. It is a shame she is so poorly again.
Do write back when you have time and if you could send a few photos too, that would be very welcome
Love Freda