Later on New Year's Day

Friday 1st January con't
Dear Cousin Edith
It is nearly time for dinner now. Everyone has been quite sleepy for most of the day. I am surprised that I have got through as well as I have - late nights are something I am not used to any more. My walk with Paul was quite magical. The snow was very soft in places as there had been a fresh fall during the evening and once we were under the trees the silence was almost tangible. The sky was very clear and the stars were bright and the moon gave us plenty enough light to find our way although Paul had brought a torch. We had to go off the path to get to the place where the deer would be and after a few minutes I would have been hard pushed to find my way back, except of course, for our footprints. There was no wind at all so we didn't have to worry about our scent being carried but we didn't get too close and were able to stand and watch them for at least 10 minutes before something disturbed them and they moved away quite quickly deeper into the undergrowth. Then something quite amazing happened. I still don't quite know what to make of it. Paul turned to me and said "Happy New Year" and then took me in his arms and kissed me, really rather passionately. Then he smiled and took my hand and we walked back to the house without saying anything. He saw me in to the hall but just said goodnight and went. I haven't seen him today and I really don't know what to make of it. Forgive me, I don't wish to embarrass you but I needed to tell someone about it. It has disturbed me. I did think how handsome he looked in his costume at the party but told myself not to be silly. The talks we have had over the past days had made me feel that he was offering his friendship for old times sake and we have found that we get on very well but there has been no indication that he felt anything more and I don't think that he does. Only it has made me rather wish that he did. Am I making any sense?
One of the things he told me was that he ended the engagement he had eight years ago because he realised that his feelings for his fiancee were not deep enough and that it was seeing how I felt about Frederick at that time that had made him realise it. He said that he had come to the conclusion that he had either never met the right person or that he was just not capable of feeling that way and that he had become resigned to the fact that he would probably remain single now, and then he said that something had happened that had made him think that it might still be possible. I am assuming that he has met someone recently for whom he does have, or thinks he might have, deep feelings. So why did he do what he did? I'm sure he didn't mean to be unkind but it was really. It would be such a shame if he now feels embarrassed and is keeping out of my way. I am hoping he will be here for dinner. I have put on my black with the orange jacket which is the most becoming outfit I have with me, and feeling a little silly that I am worrying about how I look. It is ridiculous. I thought all that sort of thing was behind me. After Frederick died I thought I would never want to become involved with anyone else and, oh, I don't know. There's the gong
11:00 pm
I feel very foolish. I'm not sure if I will post this letter or not. Paul was here for dinner and had been working all day. He said that he had found himself engrossed in his writing and hadn't realised how the day had gone so fast. He was very pleasant and courteous but made no reference to last night and, of course, neither did I. Edith, my dear, I am writing this all down because I really wish I could talk to someone and get some proper perspective on the situation. Of course, Paul did not realise how vulnerable I was, neither did I. He has done me a favour in making me realise that, at least. Only at dinner this evening I kept looking at him and seeing what a very attractive man he is and thinking about how kind and witty and sympathetic he has been and wishing..., well, you know. Suddenly I find I will be glad to be home.
With my very best wishes for your continued recovery. I hope we can meet in the spring
Freda