12th November
Dear Susan
Thank you so much for your long letter. It was lovely to hear from you and to know how your new life across the ocean has been developing. I did, indeed, tell Edith that she might send you copies of my letters as it was much easier (albeit a little lazy of me) for you to read those than for me to try and remember everything that might be relevant from the last three years. I have written less in the summer because I have been able to visit her more and I had hoped she would be well enough to come to stay with me in December but it is not now to be. I shall be writing to her regularly again over the next months as I will be doing quite a lot which I think she will like to read about.
I had forgotten that I did not quite finish the story of my Christmas last year. Until that autumn I had not felt able to socialise much. People were very kind when Frederick died but I needed to have time to myself to come to terms with everything and being surrounded by people simply stopped me getting through that process. Rosamund seemed to understand more than most and so when she asked if I would like to spend Christmas with them it was on the promise that she would not mind and would quite forgive me if I cried off at the last minute.
As it was, it was just what I needed and over those two weeks I felt that I was really out of the woods and ready to move on. I re-read my letters when I visited Edith in September, partly so I would know what she would be passing on to you, but partly to remind myself of the feelings that had gone through my mind at the time. I did feel that I was being very silly and that I would have to make sure that I did not make a fool of myself over Paul and so I was really quite alarmed when, the day after I wrote that last letter, he suggested that I stay on another day and take advantage of a lift back to London with him in his car. If the train journey had not been so arduous I think I might have made an excuse but the thought of travelling speedily in comfort and right to my door outweighed my worries about letting myself down.
As it was, he politely asked if I would mind if we didn't talk as he preferred to concentrate on his driving and time was going to be a bit tight because the meeting he was going to had been brought forward by an hour. That would usually be uncomfortable but it seemed quite natural and in fact I did drop off to sleep for a while. When we got to my building he made sure that the porter was there to take in the cases and then very quickly kissed me on the cheek and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. Of course, I said yes.
All afternoon I kept telling myself to stay cool. I tried on at least 4 different dresses and decided on something that I hadn't taken to Rosamund's as I had felt it was a bit too dressy. For an evening in London it seemed just right. Paul was very complimentary about it. He was a little awkward once we had sat down at our table then quite suddenly he started to tell me about his feelings for me - feelings that went back quite some time and which had grown over the time we had been at Rosamund's. He had been aware of my apparent coolness after the New Year party and I explained why that had been and it really was quite wonderful.
We spent a lot of time together when his work would allow but in June he had to go away for six weeks and when he came back we both agreed that the space had been good for us. We were both conscious of the possibility that I was still not fully recovered from my bereavement and it seemed to me that it really worried him that I was making a mistake. I'm not sure how things stand between us now. I'm not sure if he thinks he is the one who has made a mistake.
We are both going to Rosamund again for Christmas and will travel together. He will be staying at his cottage of course. We agreed that as far as anyone else is concerned we have simply dined together a few times and attended a few functions as company for one another and nothing more.
You will have to forgive me for the rather wordy letters I shall send to Edith. She asked me for lots of description of the food and clothes and rooms and people and so on as then, she says, it will be like spending Christmas there herself. It is a shame she is so poorly again.
Do write back when you have time and if you could send a few photos too, that would be very welcome
Love Freda
Friday 12 November 2010
Friday 1 January 2010
Later on New Year's Day
Friday 1st January con't
Dear Cousin Edith
It is nearly time for dinner now. Everyone has been quite sleepy for most of the day. I am surprised that I have got through as well as I have - late nights are something I am not used to any more. My walk with Paul was quite magical. The snow was very soft in places as there had been a fresh fall during the evening and once we were under the trees the silence was almost tangible. The sky was very clear and the stars were bright and the moon gave us plenty enough light to find our way although Paul had brought a torch. We had to go off the path to get to the place where the deer would be and after a few minutes I would have been hard pushed to find my way back, except of course, for our footprints. There was no wind at all so we didn't have to worry about our scent being carried but we didn't get too close and were able to stand and watch them for at least 10 minutes before something disturbed them and they moved away quite quickly deeper into the undergrowth. Then something quite amazing happened. I still don't quite know what to make of it. Paul turned to me and said "Happy New Year" and then took me in his arms and kissed me, really rather passionately. Then he smiled and took my hand and we walked back to the house without saying anything. He saw me in to the hall but just said goodnight and went. I haven't seen him today and I really don't know what to make of it. Forgive me, I don't wish to embarrass you but I needed to tell someone about it. It has disturbed me. I did think how handsome he looked in his costume at the party but told myself not to be silly. The talks we have had over the past days had made me feel that he was offering his friendship for old times sake and we have found that we get on very well but there has been no indication that he felt anything more and I don't think that he does. Only it has made me rather wish that he did. Am I making any sense?
One of the things he told me was that he ended the engagement he had eight years ago because he realised that his feelings for his fiancee were not deep enough and that it was seeing how I felt about Frederick at that time that had made him realise it. He said that he had come to the conclusion that he had either never met the right person or that he was just not capable of feeling that way and that he had become resigned to the fact that he would probably remain single now, and then he said that something had happened that had made him think that it might still be possible. I am assuming that he has met someone recently for whom he does have, or thinks he might have, deep feelings. So why did he do what he did? I'm sure he didn't mean to be unkind but it was really. It would be such a shame if he now feels embarrassed and is keeping out of my way. I am hoping he will be here for dinner. I have put on my black with the orange jacket which is the most becoming outfit I have with me, and feeling a little silly that I am worrying about how I look. It is ridiculous. I thought all that sort of thing was behind me. After Frederick died I thought I would never want to become involved with anyone else and, oh, I don't know. There's the gong
11:00 pm
I feel very foolish. I'm not sure if I will post this letter or not. Paul was here for dinner and had been working all day. He said that he had found himself engrossed in his writing and hadn't realised how the day had gone so fast. He was very pleasant and courteous but made no reference to last night and, of course, neither did I. Edith, my dear, I am writing this all down because I really wish I could talk to someone and get some proper perspective on the situation. Of course, Paul did not realise how vulnerable I was, neither did I. He has done me a favour in making me realise that, at least. Only at dinner this evening I kept looking at him and seeing what a very attractive man he is and thinking about how kind and witty and sympathetic he has been and wishing..., well, you know. Suddenly I find I will be glad to be home.
With my very best wishes for your continued recovery. I hope we can meet in the spring
Freda
Dear Cousin Edith
It is nearly time for dinner now. Everyone has been quite sleepy for most of the day. I am surprised that I have got through as well as I have - late nights are something I am not used to any more. My walk with Paul was quite magical. The snow was very soft in places as there had been a fresh fall during the evening and once we were under the trees the silence was almost tangible. The sky was very clear and the stars were bright and the moon gave us plenty enough light to find our way although Paul had brought a torch. We had to go off the path to get to the place where the deer would be and after a few minutes I would have been hard pushed to find my way back, except of course, for our footprints. There was no wind at all so we didn't have to worry about our scent being carried but we didn't get too close and were able to stand and watch them for at least 10 minutes before something disturbed them and they moved away quite quickly deeper into the undergrowth. Then something quite amazing happened. I still don't quite know what to make of it. Paul turned to me and said "Happy New Year" and then took me in his arms and kissed me, really rather passionately. Then he smiled and took my hand and we walked back to the house without saying anything. He saw me in to the hall but just said goodnight and went. I haven't seen him today and I really don't know what to make of it. Forgive me, I don't wish to embarrass you but I needed to tell someone about it. It has disturbed me. I did think how handsome he looked in his costume at the party but told myself not to be silly. The talks we have had over the past days had made me feel that he was offering his friendship for old times sake and we have found that we get on very well but there has been no indication that he felt anything more and I don't think that he does. Only it has made me rather wish that he did. Am I making any sense?
One of the things he told me was that he ended the engagement he had eight years ago because he realised that his feelings for his fiancee were not deep enough and that it was seeing how I felt about Frederick at that time that had made him realise it. He said that he had come to the conclusion that he had either never met the right person or that he was just not capable of feeling that way and that he had become resigned to the fact that he would probably remain single now, and then he said that something had happened that had made him think that it might still be possible. I am assuming that he has met someone recently for whom he does have, or thinks he might have, deep feelings. So why did he do what he did? I'm sure he didn't mean to be unkind but it was really. It would be such a shame if he now feels embarrassed and is keeping out of my way. I am hoping he will be here for dinner. I have put on my black with the orange jacket which is the most becoming outfit I have with me, and feeling a little silly that I am worrying about how I look. It is ridiculous. I thought all that sort of thing was behind me. After Frederick died I thought I would never want to become involved with anyone else and, oh, I don't know. There's the gong
11:00 pm
I feel very foolish. I'm not sure if I will post this letter or not. Paul was here for dinner and had been working all day. He said that he had found himself engrossed in his writing and hadn't realised how the day had gone so fast. He was very pleasant and courteous but made no reference to last night and, of course, neither did I. Edith, my dear, I am writing this all down because I really wish I could talk to someone and get some proper perspective on the situation. Of course, Paul did not realise how vulnerable I was, neither did I. He has done me a favour in making me realise that, at least. Only at dinner this evening I kept looking at him and seeing what a very attractive man he is and thinking about how kind and witty and sympathetic he has been and wishing..., well, you know. Suddenly I find I will be glad to be home.
With my very best wishes for your continued recovery. I hope we can meet in the spring
Freda
New Year's Day
Friday 1st
I am continuing my letter at 4 in the morning! Would you believe I am waiting for Paul to come back from his cottage as we are to go out for a walk to the woods to see some deer that he knows are likely to be there. It may sound a little mad and I probably am a little squiffy but I have had such a good time this evening (last evening?) and don't feel in the least bit like going to sleep. The moon is quite bright enough to see by as it reflects off the snow which has fallen again and I am dressed up in my tweed suit and thickest jumper and Rosamund's boots and my overcoat. Paul has gone to change and is bringing me a woolly hat.
The party was very good indeed. I must try and remember what everyone wore. Lavinia and Brian were dressed as devils in red satin with long silly tails and little horns fixed to Alice bands. Harriet and Jane had similar costumes of medieval ladies. John was a clown, Elouise was a Christmas Fairy (she's quite big so it did look funny) and Henry was a Roman in a toga. Paul was a Beau Brummel, Alfred was Scrooge and Rosamund was the wicked witch but rather glamorous and not a wart in sight. There were about 20 other people but we all milled about quite successfully and Mrs Davey had prepared the most wonderful buffet, as we knew she would. I talked to all sorts of people and had some very interesting conversations. Quite a lot of kissing went on at midnight when we wished each other Happy New Year - the front door was opened so we could hear the church clock strike - but all very decorous. Paul got cornered by a young woman dressed as Goldilocks. Some first footers came up from the village and Rosamund had the coal ready for them. Most of the guests had gone by about 2:30 and I went and sat in the conservatory for a little bit of peace and quiet which was when Paul suggested this walk. He has actually mentioned it to me before but we hadn't got round to it, and as we were both wide awake and the night is so clear and bright and the snow so lovely, it seemed like the perfect end to the evening. Everyone else has gone to bed now and I am keeping a look out of the window so that Paul doesn't have to knock when he gets back - here he is.
Just quickly signing off before I post this. Lots to tell in next letter
Happy New Year
Freda
I am continuing my letter at 4 in the morning! Would you believe I am waiting for Paul to come back from his cottage as we are to go out for a walk to the woods to see some deer that he knows are likely to be there. It may sound a little mad and I probably am a little squiffy but I have had such a good time this evening (last evening?) and don't feel in the least bit like going to sleep. The moon is quite bright enough to see by as it reflects off the snow which has fallen again and I am dressed up in my tweed suit and thickest jumper and Rosamund's boots and my overcoat. Paul has gone to change and is bringing me a woolly hat.
The party was very good indeed. I must try and remember what everyone wore. Lavinia and Brian were dressed as devils in red satin with long silly tails and little horns fixed to Alice bands. Harriet and Jane had similar costumes of medieval ladies. John was a clown, Elouise was a Christmas Fairy (she's quite big so it did look funny) and Henry was a Roman in a toga. Paul was a Beau Brummel, Alfred was Scrooge and Rosamund was the wicked witch but rather glamorous and not a wart in sight. There were about 20 other people but we all milled about quite successfully and Mrs Davey had prepared the most wonderful buffet, as we knew she would. I talked to all sorts of people and had some very interesting conversations. Quite a lot of kissing went on at midnight when we wished each other Happy New Year - the front door was opened so we could hear the church clock strike - but all very decorous. Paul got cornered by a young woman dressed as Goldilocks. Some first footers came up from the village and Rosamund had the coal ready for them. Most of the guests had gone by about 2:30 and I went and sat in the conservatory for a little bit of peace and quiet which was when Paul suggested this walk. He has actually mentioned it to me before but we hadn't got round to it, and as we were both wide awake and the night is so clear and bright and the snow so lovely, it seemed like the perfect end to the evening. Everyone else has gone to bed now and I am keeping a look out of the window so that Paul doesn't have to knock when he gets back - here he is.
Just quickly signing off before I post this. Lots to tell in next letter
Happy New Year
Freda
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